Maya Vander Says This Is ‘Not the Christmas Eve I Envisioned’ After Stillbirth at 38 Weeks Pregnant – PEOPLE

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"I never experienced grief this way," Maya Vander says after revealing she had a pregnancy loss at 38 weeks earlier this month

Maya Vander is opening up about her grieving process this Christmas.

The Selling Sunset star — who announced the heartbreaking news earlier this month that she delivered her baby boy, Mason, in a stillbirth at 38 weeks — shared an emotional Instagram post on Friday in which she notes that Christmas Eve "was the day Mason would have come home with us."

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"This is not the Christmas Eve I had envisioned," she writes alongside a photo of her family in front of their Christmas tree. "It's been two weeks since I lost my child. I am smiling in the photo but I got to tell you, it's been difficult. I never experienced grief this way. Our family is taking it one day at a time and we are just trying our best for the kids."

Vander, who shares son Aiden, 2, and daughter Elle, 19 months, with her husband, David Miller, adds that she is "extremely grateful for all the kindness and messages I have been getting" and that she and Miller are "thankful for our children and know that it will be ok…"

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"I want to wish all of you happy holiday season! I hope and have faith that after the storm comes the 🌈🙏," the candid post concludes.

Vander first shared the news of her pregnancy loss on Instagram Dec. 10, posting a photo of a memory box. 

"Yesterday was the hardest day of my life. I had a stillbirth at 38 weeks. I always heard of it but never imagined I'll be part of the statistics," she wrote. "Instead of delivering a baby, I get to go home with a memory box … I do not wish this on anyone."

"What was a regular weekly checkup turned into a nightmare that I never imagine will happen to me," she continues. "Given I share my pregnancies in the show I knew I'll have to post about this and avoid the 'when is your due date 'question. You will always be in our heart baby Mason 💔💙."

Maya Vander

Speaking to E! News shortly after her loss, Vander said she "was so ready for a third kid," adding, "it's just not fair to him. I just don't know what happened, so that's the closure that I still don't have."

"I didn't have the chance to connect to him as much but it just kills me that he didn't get the love that I could've possibly given him, because I was ready," she said.

While Vander and her husband don't yet know what led to the stillbirth, they're hoping an autopsy will provide answers.

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